Taking up my cross....

I have returned from a night walk. For those that do not know- I walk at night when I am very upset. A time to talk with God and walk out my frustrations. The longer the walk = the amount of time it takes for me to give in to God. LOL that sounds funny. Not that God is arguing, pleading, demanding or anything else like that. The amount of time it takes me to

do I have to say that word

Ok! Submit to God's will. There I said it. Yes, it is not an easy thing for me to do. Yet I do look forward to the day that I will submit with the 'hard' things before I have to take a walk. FYI my walk tonight was only about 1 mile. Short in comparison to the norm 4 miles.

Loneliness and rejection are two feeling I have know since, well, conception. Neither of my parents wanted me so I was put up for adoption. Yes, I can remember being 13 again and deciding that God was not for me, way to lonely, I wanted friends. My parents say I changed like night and day. And again I have been allowing my loneliness to guide my actions. All the time God is right there, He never left me. Oh, but I wanted man, you know some thing you can see and feel, not knowledge, not promises from a God that has never broken a promise. Writing that I realize how silly my desires really are. I want someone (human-who is not perfect) to be there for me. LOL All humans fail others at one time or another.

Have you ever seen the movie 'Passions of the Christ'? So vivid (yes, some incorrect truths and whats up with that satan?), what a memory in my brain. The turning point of my walk tonight was realizing Jesus went through the same things. I believe I am safe in saying it was worse what he went through. The rejection, denial of His closest and dearest followers, the ones He confided in. And on top of that He had to listen to the lies. He succeeded and He can and will get me through this. I have to allow Him to, I have to give up my desire-and allow Jesus to be the one comforting me, caring for me, loving me. Oh, remembering what He did for me how can I not want Him at my side. How could I not think that His love is not enough.

It is amazing how time and time again we deny Christ yet deceiving our selves that we are not.