Where am I?

I have not been very active lately. I have been doing a good job of staying away from the computer!!! We are not getting ready for another Wyoming trip. Lord willing Monday we will be loading up and arrive there before everything closes. Last time we went at this time of the year we arrived before everything closed. But we did not think about the stores closing early, so we went about doing some unloading, visiting, finally the girls were getting quit hungry. We headed back into town to find everything closed. We had to eat junk food from a gas station and thankful the next day we were able to eat at a relative's of my husbands. God provided. So who knows what this year's story will be.

These trips really are one of God's ways to teach me to trust Him. I was raised to have every detail planned before you leave the house. Right down to what I will wear every day, how much lotion, shampoo I will need, etc. Well when we go to WY, I know nothing until it happens. That is right I have no idea where we will sleep (yep, we take bedding-it just might be a tent and out house). Every trip is different and unique in it's own way. Oh, the stories...

One of my favorite. Two summer's ago-2007? I believe it was spring, where in the foothills of the mountains it still could get to be 40's or cooler. We were getting ready to head home, tired, lots of work yet to do to pack things up and the long drive afterward, with no place to stay and not enough cash to spend another night at a motel. Maybe it was 2006, anyway. We used bedding from the yard sale things to made beds. A tarp over our heads in case it rained, right there under the stars feeling the cool night breeze. I had a hard time falling asleep, I just keep staring at the stars. If someone told me my most romantic memory would be under those circumstances I would have laughed them off. Sleeping under God's stars and watching His power and beauty as I drifted off to sleep made all the unpleasant circumstances seem like nothing.

So as I prepare (mentally) for the upcoming trip I wonder what wonders does God have in store for this trip?

Thanksgiving!

What a wonderful day, Thanksgiving! I believe this year was the best Thanksgiving I have ever enjoyed.

Now from the outside looking in one may really wonder why. It was sad having so many faces gone from the table. Yes, that brought tears.

But I stopped and started to count my blessings. And the list was very different than in years past. In the past my blessings had more to do with things and situations. This year I really did not care about any of the things I have. There was such a peace, calmness.

You see in past years I would be so stressed to get the meal done on time, everything perfect, wanting the food to all be done at one time etc. What a mess. This year I, no we (our 7 yr. old enjoyed cooking right alone side me) took things one dish at a time, it was such a joy and so peaceful.

In the evening as I deboned the turkey, I sat there wondering why this year was so different and such a wonderful different. I discovered how my relationship with Jesus has changed so much inside. I now have peace-true peace. And knowing where true hope lies. That raging rush of tense stress and perfection that can never be is gone. I realize I will never reach perfection, I am human.

True salvation and a true realization of who God really is. Knowing that the debt I can never pay has been paid. Knowing that who I am, is in Jesus Christ. I have known that-head knowledge. Praise God it has come to heart knowledge. God has been so faithful to keep working with me, He has never given up on me. Teaching me to trust believe on my Lord Jesus Christ. And knowing that my Hope lies in Jesus' return.

God has given me such wonderful spiritual blessings. What more could I want. Dawn

Why do people go to counseling?

Why do people want counseling? The world is looking for someone to say what they are doing is ok/ not sin. Most issues mentally/physically are rooted in sin. (I want to remove the most- yet I must remember Job, so I cannot). It is amazing how sick a person can make themselves when out of a right relationship with God.

What does the Bible tell us to do? Cast all our cares upon Jesus? Carry everything to the Lord. In all things with prayer and supplication. Thanksgiving unto the Lord.

I see scripture pointing man to God in the time of help, need, question. Did not God make me? Did not God know all things as I was in my mother's womb? Does not God know all things?

I know many people out there believe in Biblical Counseling. As does a radio show I like to listen to Return to the Word. I personally do not know anyone who has tried Biblical Counseling and had positive results. I do believe Return to the Word has seen some counseling do good. I also believe they believe in pointing the person to Christ/God for answers.


There have been times I have wanted to just run to someone, tell them my problem(s) so they can help me 'work' through them. God is so wonderful. God has shown me how and why this is the wrong way of doing things.

1. This is one way rumors start. Remember the only one who can be trusted 100% all the time is God. And what about those prayer requests we hear in church? So many times they really are just a form a gossip in the name of a prayer request. There are so many verses in Proverbs regarding the words/mouth. Many refer to talking to much is the same as a fool. Not a comforting thought. Yet, counselor's encourage talking things out. Many times we need to spend more time in the Scripture and in prayer.
2. God is my counselor. Isaiah 9:6 With God as my counselor I am getting truly what I need to hear. Gods word-The Holy Bible is the best counseling a person can receive.
3. My Jehovah azar (The Lord my Helper-Psalm 30:10). Learning to allow God be the one helping me has helped to learn patience. I person running from place to place looking for answers is not a very patient person, nor one at peace.
4. Is not God El Qana (The Jealous God-Exodus 34:14)? God has shown me that He wants to be my all in all, my Everything. Why should I be looking to others (who can and will fail me) for my answers in life.
5. And Elohim Yakol (The God who is Able-Daniel 3:17). This has been an interesting lesson as God revealed himself to me as being Able. Don't most who are raised in the 'church' taught that God has power and is able. Yet how many of us truly believe this? I remember reading and praying 2 Ephesians prayers (Eph. 1:15-31 and Eph. 3:17-21) many times a day for a couple months. Meditating and asking God to show me what the words truly meant. Ephesians 3:20 "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us," God took the time necessary to show me just how able He is of taking care of me.
6. Jehovah-Jireh (The Lord will Provide-Genesis 22:14) This was specifically a hard lesson. As American's in a prosperous nation we do not have much in the way of a true need. God had to take us as a family through some financial need. I was taught all my life, if you follow this such and such a plan you will have no needs. Fine and true. But it never taught me to rely on God as my provider.
7. Rumn Ro'sh (The One who lifts my head Psalm 3:3) The lesson learning here has gone a bit with the Jehovah-Jireh lesson. Learning that every breath I take is of God. I will only take my next breath if God allows it. God is the One who keeps me up right. Not by any strength of my own. Remember the song Read your Bible pray every day and you will grow grow grow. I can think back to the times I experimented with this. Seeing just how many days I could go without and how things went. It really is true on must be in the Word of God daily and in consent prayer.
8. Olam Zerowa (The Everlasting Arms- Deuteronomy 33:26-29) This has been a favorite. God has shown me how He loves me so much-His arms are there to care and hold me. God is truly amazing.
9. Cether (My Hiding Place-Psalm 32:7) I have so enjoyed being able to hide in my God, such security. Psalms 91 was the scripture God used to help me understand how I can hide in Him, His protection. I am not even talking about need for physical protection. We all have times in our lives that we need/want our emotions to be protected. What great freedom knowing that God can and will take care of my emotional protection.
10. Chyahlooth (My Strength-Psalm 22:19) Learning to allow God to be my strength in the time of need has been quit a struggle. Having been raised as a liberal woman. Not doing things in my power/strength can be quit a battle with the Lord.

So why does man go to man for answers/help mostly they I want a human to tell them the way of the world is ok and or want someone to take pity, feel sorry for me. You know looking for justification for their ways. What we really need to do is learn to rely 100% upon God first. Give God time. It just might happen to be that God wants us to learn to wait upon Him.

I also want to add, after God, we as wives are to go to our husbands to learn, ask questions. And whom we as wives talk to after that needs to be in agreement with our husbands-they are our head. Dawn

I have been sent.

Today our Hymn History was a hymn that seemed to express my life right now. For some time I kept praying and asking God how I could help, how I could be a missionary in my area. As I read through the words I realized I was right where I was meant to be. Oh, I have known it, just didn't want to accept this as being it. Nothing more but it. Then reading the scripture references with the song it all came together in my mind.

Yes I have been sent and am in my mission field. I must admit that I have not done a very good job since I have been refusing to accept this as my mission field. Now I feel such peace in this area in my life, bringing ease to the pain. Yes, it has been bringing me closer and closer to the Lord God. Realizing that all I have on this earth is Jesus, my closest, dearest friend and at times my only friend, comfort, love. Yes I can truly say Jesus is the lover of my soul. My all in all. If God be for me who can be against me.

I praise God for being here, getting me through day by day. So many times it is just moment by moment. Oh, how I cannot get enough of His love. A love that never sways, envelopes me with arms of hope.

Are you Voting?

My favorite group, SOW(Student of the Word) has been having a wonderful discussion on should one vote or not. I have so enjoyed all the scripture and the different view points.

One of my favorite books is 'The Scarlet Letter A.' We now have many bastard children running around this world because of what was wanted by the one wearing the Scarlet letter A, acceptance. You see she wanted to enjoy sin and wanted the church to stand by and do nothing in the way of discipline. And guess what! That is exactly what the church has done. I must add when I say church I am talking about all of the 'christian' world (not what God calls christian or church but what the world calls christian and church). The church today is all about tolerance, standing by and 'loving' the person but never addressing the sin.

The church has been and is still willing to accept anything today. I am voting and I do have a problem voting in sin. SD is voting on abortion again this year, but this time they are allowing exceptions, so either way I vote I will be voting for murder. And I have a real problem with that. My point. If I do not show up at the poles I am being just as passive as the Lady wearing the Scarlet Letter A wants me to be, she then can do as she pleases really with my approval. Even though I do not approve. So I know I must show up vote on the issues I can with a clear conscience. And the issues that I cannot vote on with a clear conscience, I may even add my own box and add a scripture. If I leave a blank, my having gotten a ballot will still show that I was there and for what ever reason the one that does get voted in will know that there is a number of people that didn't vote for anyone still didn't vote for them, so they will know in their heart of hearts how many didn't vote for them.

If I do nothing, not even show up at the poles I am allowing Satan to win 100%. No fight. That is what he has wanted all the time, christians to just give up so he can have his way. I also understand we must strive for peace, yet by standing by and allowing 'satan's' people to do all the decision making what good am I to God. If I never open up my mouth, if I never stand up and fight. Is not this the reason why Israel had all the problems they had and have, they did not utterly destroy the wicked from among the land they were to posses. They allowed some to stay, so that satan could have a foot hold. Our not fighting in war's, not voting, and etc. is doing the same.

As in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for silence... and a time for war.

The End

The end times have always intriguing to me. As a young child I always felt that I would be in the tribulation. Who knows how that idea got in my head. Maybe it could be all the times the movies about the rapture and being left behind were show in the church when I was very young. By age 8 I could not sleep and would have my dad sit by my bed until all hours of the night (happened mostly on Saturday nights) and he would have to stay awake, I could not be the last one to go to sleep as a child. What patience he had, I would toss and turn, I can still remember the dark circles around his eyes as he stayed awake until 2-5 AM at my bed side. Oh, I was so afraid of death as a child, especially death by fire. Flipper would scare me and I would hide behind the lazy boy chair and peak at the show, so other than the scary movies shown at church they really limited my TV.

As I have grown up I have always felt I was to be in the tribulation, that I would never be good enough to make the rapture. I was raised strictly Pre-Trib. Never questioned it until Grandpa John made some mention one day while visiting that scripture really talks about several different. To me that made more sense, yet I have not sat down and reread Revelations to see for myself. This post by a fellow SOW'er just might get me to.







I have been having some very interesting dreams over the last 3 years. And they all seem to one way or another fit into this idea. Interesting. Just some rambling thoughts. And yes, I would like your ideas on these things.

Facebook.... is that who I really am?

As I meet up with people from my past I wonder what about my past do they remember. Do they have a clue I have changed? Do I now live my life in such a way that when they see under religion 'christian' they believe there is a difference in me? Of do they think I am that 'preacher's daughter' who gave preacher kids the stereo type of wild/more of satan than of God?

I also wonder are they the same, how have each of them changed over time? It is so easy on Facebook, My Space and others like them to put a front up so that others perceive you the way one wants them to. I have not made it to a single reunion for numerous reasons. This fall a mother of a class mate told "just make it to your 40th, that is the best one."

My husband and I for years have been wondering why does God keep us here in Madison. A few months ago I began to earnestly pray for an answer. The reply I have received is to start telling others what I (God) has done for me. It was like the power no, the release, to do what I knew all along to do but was just to scared to speak up. I keep failing God every day it seems. Maybe it is forgetting to do something or out right rebellion. Since that day I have felt God's, well the Holy Spirit helping me to speak out. I do not know if that is the only reason we are being kept here in Madison. Yet, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that I must open my mouth more about God's goodness, blessings, discipline, getting me through struggles, strength to go on day by day. God is really becoming my only source of comfort.

So what do you think? Have I changed? Well, you do not need to answer. I must answer to God. I must change only because of what He wants from my life not because of what any other person may think or say to me. I must conduct myself the way God desires. Most of my growing up years I allowed others to influence my decisions. Praise God I not only desire God's influence yet I am finally beginning to see and to allow His influence to be first. And it has been a long hard road for me. Hard because I have made it hard, fighting God, wanting things done my way NOW, now being willing to wait, etc.

Update

There are so many things going on and so many things to blog. Yet I still find myself lost of time to get everything I desire and everything that needs to be done done.

• School is going quit well this year.
• Our oldest daughter is still my challenge, I have decided it is because I am learning how to teach. When I have it totally figured out things go so smooth.
• Our youngest is taking to school like a fish in water. What a joy.
• I am still figuring out how much is enough and how much is to much. LOL Will that challenge ever end.
  
• I am teaching Sunday School and am learning right along with the kids, why does Sunday school have to be such a short 45 min?
• Our family business has filled the house to overflowing, God has really blessed us.
• There is a grand baby in the family and is the most precious baby. I didn't realize how I could love a child I did not birth to as much as this little one. It is so hard to take my eyes off of her when around her, which is not nearly enough.
• Thyroid is still all messed up, so some days I am not sure if I am coming or going.
• God has been working on my trusting Him in everything. Wow! Such amazing lessons and such freedom when I learn to trust Him instead of me or the world.

God Bless. Dawn

Why does one cry?

I do not know what makes you cry yet I can tell what makes me cry. Not tears because of joy -- I do not consider that crying just tears --a cry that takes your whole body.

• Sinning against God.
• Failing my loved ones.
  
• Knowing things will never change.
• Emotional pain, pain so deep my chest will ache and hurt to the point that it is hard to breath. A pain and a cry that drains me of all energy for days.

By whose authority?

I am so glad that someone feels I am a good wife. LOL Society today thinks I am crazy and off.... since I am a SAHM, home school, only wear dresses and skirts and ..... I do not control my husband, I do not put things first, I do not desire friendship's to the distraction of my family duties, dress modestly, and on and on. So here it is who thinks I am a Superior Wife. LOL

90 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

No Internet? !!!!!!

Good Morning!!!

I have not been able to get an internet connection since some time early May. It was hard at first but now!!!!! God has so richly blessed me for not being online. This A.M. I turned on my computer only to figure out how I missed paying a bill-got an service interruption notice. LOL And there it was!!! I have been doing all of my banking online so that really was what I missed, being to look at my accts online. And when I really needed it LOL there it was. I so love how God works.

So about my summer.

May 30th the girls and I started a driving Paper Route. Not so much for the money but the getting out of the house daily. In the colder months I tend to stay inside and not exit the house until my DH gets me out on weekends. So the blues, crabbiness, and depression can get quite strong before spring enters the picture. I want to be able to keep the route as a way to get me outside for more than a few minutes to check the mail everyday. LOL The girls so enjoy our responsibility. They each have their duties to help out.

We went to Minneapolis in June and stayed with my mom. Whom I made go to the doctor and is still doctoring for phenomia. Praise God I was able to go and help her start getting well. Please pray with me that she continues to heal.

Then over the 4th of July we made a flying trip to Wyoming. Long drive for 2 days. LOL I have to tell you how God protected us. In the foot hills of the Casper Mountain (between Douglass and Casper on the Interstate-if you know the area is long low grade hills) the truck overheated. We had no water with us. LOL We stopped at a parking area and went looking at all the trash by the side of the road, found 2 things of discarded water we could us, still not enough but got us down the road about 2 miles or so. We found a cow drinking hole just over the fence line. It was gross looking water, I wondered about all of the discarded powerades back at the parking area and wondered if that would have been better. LOL BTW we also happened to be low on gas. Just waited to long and wanted to get that cheaper gas in Casper. We made it to Casper without another problem and filled up the truck at Flying J's. Our 20 gallon gas tank took 23.3 gallons of gas. The truck never coughed or sputters, ran so smoothly after we poured that cow drinking water in the radiator. The truck has run out of gas before and has never needed so much gas before. We know without a doubt in our minds we were running on God, not even gas fumes.

The experience really got me to thinking of how many other things God protected us from that we have no idea about. On the way home I woke up many times to see deer just standing by the edge of the road just staring at us. They were so beautiful to look at. Again God's protection.


Thyroid: I believe I have gone from hyper to hypo. I will be going to the Doctor Thursday to find out for sure. I am praying for God to take care of this.

Good to be back yet I still plan on not being around much. I am hoping to check in weekly during the school year. Which I am so ready to get back to, I got most of my prep work done while the family was gone in May. What a difference from last year of scrambling around when I needed to be organized and going. Praise God for taking care of all of these details. Dawn

A clear head

Being home alone has allowed for lots of thinking. I am so greatful that God has cleared my head so that I can think. I started to read my Bible again and that is all it took. I just picked up where I left off in my reading the Bible through.

I have gotten several things done the last two days, more than I had accomplished in the four days previous. LOL Life is so crazy. I must get back to my to do list.

Hell/Earth/Heaven

So much is going though my head.

I think of a desire I had as a young child, well, even into my adult life. To witness and be apart of miracles. I am sure you have heard or read about the miracles missionaries encounter. (I also know not all missionaries encounter miracles) Oh, how as a child I believed only missionaries were close enough to God to know and witness miracles. Oh, how I wanted to be a missionary. As I got older I realized it was not because those people were missionaries but because of their walk with God. That is what I craved.

Lets not forget God will finish the good work He started in me. LOL So the trials come and finally I realize what God is doing. At least I think I know. He is leading me to that place of close relationship with Him. I must totally with out a doubt trust in Him. Wow! Has that saying changed meaning for me over the years. And oh, the pain I have gone through because of me wanting what I want. LOL Yes, I want my desired to be as God's desires. I have prayed that and prayed that over the years. Yet my selfishness and wanting to have things easy on earth, earthly rewards. LOL God has been so patient with me. Giving me so much time to make those changes with out the pain. But I did not make the necessary changes then I waited for the pain and then decided to make the change. What a backward life I tend to live.

The pain, the heart ache, how could hell be worse than things on earth. At times that is so hard for me to grasp. The hard times, trial, troubles, are all nothing in comparison to hell. And the opposite can be just as hard to grasp. I remember as a child I believed there would be no food in Heaven. Oh, there are just to many good foods on earth what could possible be better. LOL Satan is always at work. If a person believes that hell on earth is what hell is really like, well why live for God. And if a person believes that there is Heaven on earth why sacrifice for eternal Heaven.

Taking up my cross....

I have returned from a night walk. For those that do not know- I walk at night when I am very upset. A time to talk with God and walk out my frustrations. The longer the walk = the amount of time it takes for me to give in to God. LOL that sounds funny. Not that God is arguing, pleading, demanding or anything else like that. The amount of time it takes me to

do I have to say that word

Ok! Submit to God's will. There I said it. Yes, it is not an easy thing for me to do. Yet I do look forward to the day that I will submit with the 'hard' things before I have to take a walk. FYI my walk tonight was only about 1 mile. Short in comparison to the norm 4 miles.

Loneliness and rejection are two feeling I have know since, well, conception. Neither of my parents wanted me so I was put up for adoption. Yes, I can remember being 13 again and deciding that God was not for me, way to lonely, I wanted friends. My parents say I changed like night and day. And again I have been allowing my loneliness to guide my actions. All the time God is right there, He never left me. Oh, but I wanted man, you know some thing you can see and feel, not knowledge, not promises from a God that has never broken a promise. Writing that I realize how silly my desires really are. I want someone (human-who is not perfect) to be there for me. LOL All humans fail others at one time or another.

Have you ever seen the movie 'Passions of the Christ'? So vivid (yes, some incorrect truths and whats up with that satan?), what a memory in my brain. The turning point of my walk tonight was realizing Jesus went through the same things. I believe I am safe in saying it was worse what he went through. The rejection, denial of His closest and dearest followers, the ones He confided in. And on top of that He had to listen to the lies. He succeeded and He can and will get me through this. I have to allow Him to, I have to give up my desire-and allow Jesus to be the one comforting me, caring for me, loving me. Oh, remembering what He did for me how can I not want Him at my side. How could I not think that His love is not enough.

It is amazing how time and time again we deny Christ yet deceiving our selves that we are not.

Heart Condition?

Have you ever had God harden your heart? Do you thing God still does things like that today? This is something that has had me thinking for more than a year now. It is a difficult thing. For years I had prayed asking God to answer certain prayers any way possible. WOW! Did God ever answer those prayers. Well some are still in the works. After a situation more than two years ago I have not been able to pray that way whole heartedly. It is so interesting how God works in our lives and how He brings us to the place we need to be.

It makes me think of the accident in March, a young college boy hit a Tour Bus head on and was killed immediately. I firmly believe that when we are to die God will allow it to happen in such a way that the most good will come out of it. So I wonder who is going to benefit by that and why. Oh, I suppose they are questions I am waisting my time on. God knows and the ones that need to know will know.

I see time and time again how God uses our situations for His good. Yes, all things work out for good. And the world wants to see it be for what they think is good. But what does God see as good. I do not see any man on this earth able to fully answer that question. We may see bits and pieces of God's good, yet we (on this earth) cannot ever know the whole of God's good. With our History lessons (with home schooling) I am starting to understand (only a start) what God sees.

How many times during the Judges did God's people turn from God and go a whoring? Every judge. Wow! What does that have to tell us about man and what will happen with our children? Grandchildren? Thats my ramblings for the night. God bless you and Keep you. Yes, that is a prayer I thank God for almost daily, God has keep me through many many times of giving up. Praise God for never giving up on me. Scripture tells me that God will finish the good work He started in me. Praise God He is not done with me. There is HOPE.

Salvation!

If all a person has to do is say a 'magic prayer' to be saved than most of America will be in heaven. Take Billy Graham for example. How many thousands maybe millions of people have gone forward. If so many people are 'saved' how come our nation is so wicked, should not it be getting more holy? If so many people are truly saved how come the world is not saved.

So many people say things just to get others off of their back. Say things to impress others, say things to get what they want. Our actions speak louder than our words. Yes, works will never get one into Heaven. Works have never saved anyone nor will they ever save any one. It is our fruit in our lives that speak as to whom we serve. We cannot serve two masters. If one does not want to change, how can one enter into Eternal Life with Jesus. Does not scripture tell us that if we deny Christ we will be denied by God. How can a person say I am a born again Christian yet all of their acts are serving satan?

To many people just say the prayer, now I am saved and do not have to change. If that is all that needed to be (not saying works needed to be added, but a true heart commitment, a true belief in Jesus) the world would be saved. Scripture does not say, say this prayer and you will be saved. There is so much meaning in the words 'believe in'. Thinking about John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotton Son that whosoever believeth in His should not perish but have everlasting life." What is the true meaning of "Believeth in"? Is it just a saying, is it just confession of the mouth, is it actions, is it a change? Are not new creatures different?

Are you beginning to see how 'churches' today are giving a false sense of Salvation. That 'prayer' is like a band aide. No more to it. It is not works that needs to be to it, but a true desire and a true belief in Jesus. And our actions/fruit tell if we truly believe. Sensere not just empty words.

There are times that a person does not even know their own heart.

I asked God

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn''t granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare my pain. God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me love others, as much as He loves me. God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the right idea.

Author Unknown

My Testimony

I was saved as a young child. I remember taking my Bible to school. Oh, how I wanted to tell the whole world that Jesus loved them. I also remember the day I denied Christ and decided that I wanted friends not Jesus as my friend. For the next several years I lived the way I wanted to live. Going to church professing to be a Christian, going forward for prayer, rededicating my life to Jesus every year at camp, giving testimonies that from this day forward I was going to live for Jesus, then Monday morning I would go back to living for satan. I was a Sunday Christian. Those days I know I said yes many times, wanted the benefit of being saved and a child of the King, yet my heart was not in it. I refused to totally give in. I remember partying and knowing if I died that very moment I would go to hell. There was no question in my mind. I was not giving up my friends, my life style for Jesus. So many nights not able to sleep because I did not want to die.

It was not until I was pregnant with my eldest son, June 27th, 1993 that I finally gave in and said ok, God I will do it your way. I was finally willing to give up my will to God and change-allow God to change me. It was a battle that night. I think mom and I talked until 3 A.M. that Sunday morning. It happened to be fathers day that Sunday. Mom woke dad up to tell him the good news.

Yes, the next 7 years were a real trial, a real up and down. I have failed Christ many times since then. I still played games with God. I had two more children out of wed lock, knowing it was wrong. Yet I always had the idea in the back of my mind that I can just ask God to forgive me and I will be all right. I was intentionally sinning. It was not much of a commitment to God, I was hanging by a thread.

It was the Wednesday before Easter March, 2002. I went off,and packed up my two children and left the family. Now the worst time to come and yet the best time of my life. Worse because there are many many bad seed that has been harvested and still harvesting from that night. Best, because it forced me closer to God. Again I deepened my commitment to God during those long nights and days as a single mom raising 2 children and losing a child. That is when I started to learn to truly trust in God. Putting my faith to action. It was a long 20 months.

It is funny, in looking back at the different stages of my life I can see how God worked in my life. I can see the change, yet during each different stage I cannot see the changes.

No one or nothing can separate God's love from you. But you can remove yourself from Him. You can choose NO. You can choose Yes. God is just there waiting for you to make up your
mind.

Answers!!!

Have you ever looked for answers wondering where they are and how come they are not being answered the way you thing they should? I must say I have been to that place to many times. I am so grateful that God does not answer my prayers the way I think they should be, His ways are always best.

Sunday my husband requests that our daughter learns "As the Deer" to sing next Sunday at Church. I wanted to put a youtube of the song, yet I have no clue so I will just paste the words.

Psalm 42:1
"As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God."

As the deer panteth for the water,
So my soul longs after you.
You alone are my hearts desire,
And I long to worship You.
Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

I want you more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye.
Chorus

You're my friend and You're my brother,
Even though you are a King.
I love You more than any other
So much more than anything.
Chorus

God knew the challenges I would face this week. God knew what I needed. God my Jehovah-Nissi went ahead and prepared the way! The only problem I refused to humble my spirit to the message Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - finally Wednesday evening I was just miserable (which also caused other family members to be miserable) I finally gave in and and allowed God to work in my heart. Sad that I waited and refused to give in sooner. Oh, what joy's I missed out on. Yet, Praise God, I did give in and things have been so much better. What a wonderful song to know, to desire to live as God alone as my only desire. Yes, having God as my strength and my sheild does make life worth living. Dawn

Death

I would really like to bury this weight. It has been a week since I last exercised and did it ever make a difference, it really curbed my appetite. Not only death to the extra weight I carry but to that lifestyle and attitudes. As our family attended a funeral today I was so reminded how my decisions for the moment make such a difference. In the last few days God has been pointing out to me to look to the future and not for the moment. Here is an example: Today we got two free box's of chocolate chip cookie dough. I bring them in to check them out, looks good, tastes good. Yes, I had my fingers in the dough right away. And the whole time God is reminding me that His temple does not require sugar of this sort. LOL He did word things a bit different, but the message was the same. Yes, it was enough to get my fingers out of the dough. Now the girls and a friend of theirs are cooking up three tubs, Praise God, tomorrow night is a Pizza Party at church and the cookies will go. But that really is not the way I need to be looking at this trial. When I desire sugar I need to turn to the Lord and all allow God to fill that emptiness. Yes, the world would label me an emotional eater. I label lack of faith.

Now back to the funeral. What would my advice be to the family: Give your life over to God and totally relay on God to get you through this day by day. Wow! What a hit to me, with eating I do not even take my own advice. So during the funeral I prayed God give me a reminder (something tangible) to help me keep my eye's on the ultimate goal -serving God. Not the moment, not how I am feeling right now but how will my action right now affect the future. God is so faithful! Before we left God answered my prayer, I was given a small gift-a flower pen. God not only answers prayers He looks at the whole scope of things. You see day time - school time happens to be the hardest time of day for me to keep focused. We have gotten into a pretty good routine so things are going smoothly. And my thoughts wonder to this or that - getting my eyes off of Jesus and my purpose to be on this earth. So a pen is perfect. ( I do not believe that an object has any power in itself - for the time, having it around can be my 'sign' to help me keep on track.) Dawn